My favorite childhood story was
“It Looked like Spilt Milk” by Charles G. Shaw.
The opening line of this story
is: “Sometimes it looked like spilt milk.”
Sometimes it
looked like spilt milk. But it wasn’t always that easy, especially whenever it
comes to the new cases we get every day. Today was different though, because
today we got three new cases. All three cases might have been linked together
somehow. For they all happened the same, and about an hour apart from each other.
Detective McGee got assigned to one of the three cases. McGee however did not
seem pleased with his boss Gibbs. Even though, Gibbs planned on going with him
to the scene of the crime. Gibbs planned on going down and seeing Ducky before
they left. However, when Gibbs got down there to the lab were Ducky worked, he soon
came to find out that Ducky wasn’t there. As Gibbs was leaving he ran smack-dab
right into Abby, who was on her way to her lab to get some blood tests ran on
some of the blood that got found at the other crime scene from the day before.
Gibbs told Abby “Hey, I’m sorry didn’t see you there. Will you do me a favor?”
Abby said “Hey its ok, no harm done. Yeah sure what do you need me to do?”
“Well whenever you see Ducky tell him he might need to get all his equipment
ready for this next operation. Whenever I went down there nothing was being
setup or anything,” said Gibbs. Abby seemed a little bit confused on the matter
but said “Yeah, sure, I will let him know that you stopped in there to check up
on him, but that will be after I get done with the blood tests. I will see you
whenever you get back that’s if it’s not too late,” Abby snickered as she
walked off, seeming to pay more attention to what she needed to get done, than
to what Gibbs had said. Gibbs was on his way out whenever he met McGee at the
door, who said “Well Detective, are you ready to this wonderful day on?” Gibbs
just shook his head and said “Yeah, sure, let’s get this over with before
anything else happens.”
As
Gibbs and McGee arrived at 2526 Central Street Monett, or the scene of the
crime, they came to find out that the police were still crawling all over along
with a couple of paramedics, who at the time were trying to move the body.
Therefore ruining the evidence, so Gibbs and McGee took off in a dead sprint
towards them and started yelling at them to stop, and they did and the first male
paramedic asked him what was wrong. Gibbs strong fully stated that if they
would have moved that body any further they would have been involved into the
case, were they would have to testify what had happened to the evidence. Both
male paramedic stopped what he was doing and went back to the ambulance, but
before the other male paramedic went back, he stopped by McGee and stated that
if they needed anything or any help at all with the body to contact them, for
they knew how to take care of a real dead body. McGee just shook his head and
said “Yeah, sure,” and went to catch up to Gibbs. As Gibbs and McGee approached
the body they both got a sense of something was not even close to being right.
As Gibbs started to look the body over, McGee started to look over the other
evidence that was marked around the body. Gibbs turned toward the woman and
started looking over her. He started from the neck up on her. The woman had
some marks on her throat from where she had struggled, and then she had a few
bruises on the left side of her face. As Gibbs started to look over the rest of
her body he noticed that her right hand was swollen and bruised and had, what
looked like rope burns on it. He started to look at her stomach which had a
couple of puncture wounds in it from where someone had stabbed her with (possibly)
a blunt object. As Gibbs finished looking over her, he thought to himself this is going to be a really weird case,
before it is all said and done today.
When
McGee got done collecting evidence he went over towards Gibbs and stated that
there was a big blood trail from the body, a box of matches from the local bar
(the VFW), and her purse. Her purse consisted of a nail file, pepper spray, and
her wallet which had nothing in it but her I.D. Gibbs shook his head and said “well
we need to get this stuff back to the lab, as soon as we can,” McGee agreed and
turned to a couple of the cops and said “we need this body back at our station in
five minutes.” The cops nodded and started to do their job. McGee and Gibbs
started their way back to the labs, to see if Abby was up to anything. Whenever
they found Abby she was jamming to some music and dancing all around her lab
while some tests were running. Gibbs turned off her stereo, which threw her off
and she asked “Hey Gibbs, what’s up?” As Gibbs went to reply McGee replied for
him and said “well, we got a lot of test for you to run as soon as you can,”
Abby laughed and said “what kind of tests.” Gibbs wasn’t about to let McGee
have the spotlight again so he said “just some blood tests, and maybe a couple
of other tests, really depends on if we find anything in our victims body,”
Abby laughed and asked “are you guys having a competition today on who can
collect the most evidence?” Both McGee and Gibbs started laughing and were kind
of thrown off and said quietly “no I don’t think so, why do you ask? Is there supposed
to be one going on between us?” Abby shooed them off and said “nope not at all”
as they started out the door.
End
of part 1
I am going to be honest with you. I have never read the book "It Looked Like Split Milk" in my entire life and I will not fully comprehend the difference of your story to the book. I believe the original story is basically full of pictures and what the picture is supposed to reflect. I love a good detective story and your story it could use some work. The characters are quite believable names to detectives or criminal investigators but then again, I think your book does not have any names for characters.
ReplyDeleteThe characters portrayed in your story are rather developed way before the story began. They seem really basic and not much was described about them. Although this may be part one about the story you wrote, it seems that the characters have been involved in a story way before this.
Because this story is part one, you are missing the climax, falling action, and resolution. Only the introduction and the rising action are involved with this story and the story seems to tie in with a prequel that yet I may not know about.
I believe the ending could be more ambiguous or unomniscient. It doesn't put throw the reader off the cliff and it cuts off really quickly. To make it simple, it does not make the reader want to continue to keep reading on. Maybe next time you could throw in the murder of one of the characters or have the evidence being of no use to the characters.
The thing that stuck out the most out of the story was the whole mystery crime scene. I expected the story to go along with artwork but instead you used it to start off a good criminal investigation novel. Keep up the good work with surprises and be sure to consume the reader into the story.
1. How does the new story compare to the original story? Keep in mind they are supposed to be totally different storylines but can include the characters.
ReplyDelete- I do not know the original story so I cannot relate right off the bat. But it seems you have changed the story a lot, and in the way you were supposed to. I like how you turned the title and first line into a crime investigation.
2. How are the characters developed in the story?
- The characters are added at the beginning of the story, they are detectives and investigators. They work as a team on the crime scenes. The characters are consistent and that is good instead of adding a bunch of different ones. Having consistency makes sense.
3. Does the plot of the story contain all the important parts: Introduction, Rising Actions, Climax, Falling Actions, and Resolution?
- Considering it is only part 1, it cannot have all the important parts. The part 2 should hold the falling action and resolution. The end of your story ended very abruptly, maybe if you took out some of the middle stuff
4. How does the ending satisfy you, the reader? It seems like you hurried the ending a little bit, but you got the point across where we could understand. Like I said before, maybe if you could of shortened the middle and added more to the ending to make the ending more satisfying.
5. What is one thing that really stuck out to you in the story and why? The first and second line really stuck out to me, I wasn’t quite sure how you were going to turn spilt milk into a story but…YOU DID. As I continued to read it really shocked me on how well it went together.
Overall I think your story was really well, your story was completely different than the original and you made this story yours!
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ReplyDeleteThis is a good story! I like the way you separated the story into paragraphs so I would know which part was the beginning, middle and end of the story instead of having to find it. The conversations between your characters flowed together quite smoothly too.
ReplyDeleteThe competition between the detective demonstrating the personalities of the two detectives, and the problem of the story of finding the person behind the murder of the woman was clearly defined. But there were some minor grammar errors. There were no run-on sentences but there are some sentences that needed some commas in them because I had to re-read the sentence again because I did not understand it the first time I read it.
For the grammars and punctuation you could have someone to proofread it or find another word for the same meaning on thesaurus.com if you trouble finding the right word to describe something. But overall this was a great story! I look forward to Part II!